Humor Quotes

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

- Mark Twain

22

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.

- Rabindranath Tagore

9

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

- George Bernard Shaw

9

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

- Voltaire

10

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

- Alfred Adler

5

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

- Al Capone

9

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

- Anthony Jeselnik

6

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

- Carl Jung

6

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

- Steven Wright

9

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

- Steven Wright

5

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

- Anthony Jeselnik

7

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

- Bo Burnham

5

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

- Mark Twain

12

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

- Matt Groening

7

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

- Steven Wright

3

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

- Kristen Schaal

5

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

- Angela Davis

3

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright

4

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

- Steven Wright

3

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

- Hamilton Wright Mabie

3

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.

- George Bernard Shaw

4

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

- Anthony Jeselnik

3

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

- Lewis Grizzard

2

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

- Steven Wright

2

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

- George Carlin

5

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

- Phyllis Diller

2

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

- Winston Churchill

5

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

- Anton Chekhov

5

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

- Steven Wright

2

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham

3

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

- Aristotle

4

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

- Robin Williams

2

The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.

- Thelonious Monk

2

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

1

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

- Tommy Cooper

3

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.

- Ray Bradbury

2

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

- Robin Williams

2

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

- George Burns

4

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

- Bob Hope

3

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

- Kurt Cobain

3

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

- George Armstrong Custer

2

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

- Mitch Hedberg

1

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

- George Carlin

2

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

- Ambrose Bierce

1

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

- Robin Williams

1

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

- Langston Hughes

2

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

- Arthur Bloch

1

Where are all the sour patch parents?

- Bo Burnham

1

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

- Fred Allen

1

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

- Emo Philips

2