Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Alan Dundes
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
- Albert Einstein
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Dale Carnegie
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
- Dennis Wholey
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
- Mark Twain
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
- Will Rogers
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- Charlie Chaplin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
- Dalai Lama
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
- Norman Wisdom
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- John F. Kennedy
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles M. Schulz
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!
- Martin Luther
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- A. A. Milne
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
- Helen Keller
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
- Abraham Lincoln
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
- Dr. Seuss
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- Steven Wright
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
- Oscar Wilde
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
- Harry Emerson Fosdick
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
- Billy Connolly
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
- Ron White
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Miles Kington
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.
- Josh Billings
Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
- Gene Wilder
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
- Billy Sunday
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'
- Sigmund Freud
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
- Edward Abbey
