My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- Mitch Hedberg
More Quotes By Mitch Hedberg
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces...
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?”...
Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of...
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and...
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face...
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have...
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
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