Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
Don’t just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
Life is a zero sum game.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.
Everyone smiles in the same language.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
